Yesterday was a challenge. I broke down and cried three different times… for no strong reason. Yelled at my kids… okay, I yelled twice and just fell into a deep funk that I couldn't pull myself out of. The repetitive thoughts of gratitude seemed like they were a lie. I couldn’t shake the “yuck” I was feeling and while in this emotional trap I kept reminding myself, “Everything is okay. You have so many things to be grateful for. So many people are going through so much more. You are so blessed.”
While all this is true, sometimes you just want to say, “Fuck it!” I feel like shit in my privileged life with first world problems. I think the key lesson from yesterday was. Yes, you can feel bad and vent but then get your shit together and add-in actions that will help you feel better. Sometimes I don’t give myself the space and time to explore why I’m feeling bad. It’s like I have to push through it quickly, and when I do that I don’t get the opportunity to explore where these feelings are coming from.
So, yesterday I gave myself some space and realized why I was feeling the way I was feeling. The collective energy of all the junk was hitting me and made me realize I needed to cry. I needed to surrender. I needed to let go. You guys, yesterday, I started crying because my dogs were scratching the slider door because they wanted in. However, it wasn’t just my innocent dogs (who by the way show me so much love and excitement—without hesitation—every time they see me) it was the compound effect of kids with online learning stress, trying to work from home, having a husband who injured himself, not being able to be outside because the air is so stinking bad, realizing I gained ten pounds, family dynamics, owning a small business dynamics, not seeing friends dynamics, feeling like I am all alone dynamics, helping a recovering alcoholic dynamics, losing old friends dynamics, big bill dynamics, and the list goes on-and-on.
But really, all this is is life - right? Life is always evolving and always changing and sometimes the dynamics in this life make you feel like shit no matter who you are. So lesson: Give yourself the grace and space to feel bad for yourself and the collectiveness of all the bull in the world, but then within a day or two—or for some of us maybe three days (okay a three-day max)—we must be gentle and place ourselves back in the flow and move forward in gratitude, in good health practices, and in good relationship practices.